Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.

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(917): View more from New York City

I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.

(917): View more from New York City

Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.

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(850): View more from Florida

No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....

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(315): View more from New York

He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.

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(256): View more from Alabama

sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober

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