Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
