Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
