She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
