So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
