i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
