no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
