I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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