PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
