im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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