woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
