i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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