I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
