Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
