God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
