omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
thus making me awesome and them whores
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
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Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
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I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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