My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
