the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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