Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
