wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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