Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
