The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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