My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Randomize
