booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
