you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
