I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
