apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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