Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
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I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
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