The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
