dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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