Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
