your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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