i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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