there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
