hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
