My Higher Power is John Stamos
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
