YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
