I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
