If that was your dad, he is hot
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
