I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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