My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
