even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
