Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
