Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
