I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
