So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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