I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
im holly from the hills drunk
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
