Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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