I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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