I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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