sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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