Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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