Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
