I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
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I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
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