i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
