I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
