I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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