I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
