youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
